Run Down Memory Lane

 It's been more than half a year that Julz have no love/affection in the way he talks to me. Damn it.. I feel so low and insignificant.  Pinili ko naman tong situation na to. Ginusto ko sya. None other. SO I just have lo live with it. Live with the fact that the person I truly love and care, doesn't feel the same way as I am.  To be honest, there are some men hitting on me, blatantly telling me and showing me they like me, they are interested in me. Pero di ko makuhang magustuhan or maging interesado sa kanila. Sarado utak ko. Si Julius lang ang gusto ko..  Paninindigan ko desisyon ko kahit alam kong wala na akong mapapala from Julius. Hindi na rin sya interesado sexually sa akin..  Ang lungkot dba?!  

Finally, after months of not seeing him. He picked me up late, to transfer sa airbnb. I don't see the excitement on his eyes.  Banas na nga ata sya na naabala ko pa sya. I went to Manila just to see him. Hindi kami nakapag-usap ng maayos kasi nagmamadali din sya. Halos ayaw na rin nya ako i-kiss..  DI ko alam kung matutuwa ba ako na narinig kong sinabi nya na "i love you" saken before he left.. Or dahil nadulas lang sya na nasanay sya dating sinasabi sa akin yun..  Putang-ina.. Ang lalim ng pagmamahal ko sa taong to.. na kahit di na ako gusto putang ina mahal ko pa rin!

 First day of service ni Julius sa Binangonan, Rizal. Di masyadong nakapagusap kasi pagod din sya sa byahe at puyat din the night before.  May nagpositive ng Covid sa station nila hence they satinized the office and the barracks. 

 Tax mapping day again. Late afternoon got a call from Julius.  Informing me he sent all his stuff at the Binangonan Office and he'll be reporting by Monday. 

2nd day of RNR. I am actually fearing that Julius might not be able to come here soon. Because of the travel ban into the city due to covid cases that are raising.  PACD the morning.  Didn't had lunch.  500 for spending for food. From ATP extra. 

 1st day of the 20 days without communication with Julius. Had nothing to do today. Fixed Moirah's stuff and just laylow for the day. Did not read.  Cleaned my finger and toe nails.  Browsed all the photos and videos Julius sent me.  Bringing me to the first few days we flirted. And ended in a relationship. 

 Woke up early.  Stressed due to Moirah's attitude.  Left home early for work.  Julius went back early also.  He's being sweet this time around.  I believed that he missed me somehow.  Mid day when he informed me about his re-assignment to Palawan.  Mixed emotions. I felt bad for the family he'll be leaving.  He felt sad about the urgent assignment. Caught unprepared.  I know he wants to be in Palawan, but not this soon. 

Brand new day.  Friday.  Julius went up early for the tree planting event.  I appreciate all of his efforts with keeping up with me.  Headache before lunch.  Played wwf with him.  Although there is this feeling that he's talking with someone else.. But thay was just a feeling. Not the intuition.. just a feeling.. We talked over then phone until dinner.  Oh God, despite being paranoid I know that I badly wanted this guy! I love him so huge! 

 A bit worried when I woke up and no messages yet from Julz. But yeah I remember him being away from Batangas. With his family.  Went too early at the office, Glenn sent me off earlier. Tatay went out of town to look for someone who will be going to take care of our soon to be farm.  I am still adjusting with the new computer. Eyes are hurt with the bright monitor.  Not feeling so well this morning. I know that I am having some sort of depression due to overthinking. But hell yeah I am trying to win this, fighting the mental state of begativity. I need to focus on mu readings for the bar exams. Hell I care if Julz will leave me over someone.  An hour passed noon when I got his message.  Felt relieved that he's back in Batangas. 

  Tuesday.   I feel so low on myself. I never thought that things like this can happen. No communications with him. I feel so unwanted.   On the lighter note, one good event coming up this weekend. A prenup shoot. For the wedding coming this September.   I made a call to him, using Nico's number. I know I am already blocked. I don't know what to do now. I am just waiting for the time he'd never talk to me.. 

  Monday.   I woke up so early.. Missing Julius. SO BAD! I was hoping to hear from him, but no luck at all! I am losing hope about us.   I have decided to fight for him. for what I believed a real relationship with him. I am wholeheartedly accepting the fact that we all commit mistakes. I still choose to love him and continue the fallacy of his true love.   I am that so stupid to keep on hoping about us.. 

 Sunday.   The whole gang went to Langogan. Was able to relax while on a road trip with the family.. Picked up honey and Nanay brought home some flowers and other plants.  Drove home. Ran fastest for my record of 90/km/hr. It rained hard hence the slow down.  Later in the afternoon, Tan picked me up. Tambay sa store nya. Talked about life and everything..   Went home around 8 and slept early... 

 Saturday.   Advance birthday celebration of Glenn. Everyone is busy at the compound. Roasted pig (head).  I just slept most of the time. Read quite a few articles.    Jaylord reached out on me.. asking me how I was. I just said hanging by. He shared some words of wisdom. Again. for the Nth time! I am blessed to have friends like him who's not judging me for whatever I commit wrong or for whatever kind of stupidity I am in.    

 Friday.   Still no communication from Julz.   Was able to talked to Jenny. The other girl. And got the information about them. It hurts.. But not that much.. More of the ego being stepped on to.. And the broken trust.   I feel sorry for the two of us. Being played around..  

Thursday.  These are what I woke up with early this morning.  Had to send him an sms and asked him to call me. He called. This is not good at all. 

Monday.  Woke up early. Sent a few messages on Julz' messenger telling him how frustrating and depressing the situation is. How I am missing him so bad.  But what a surprise got a call from him. Informing me about his situation. Their situation. The struggles he had over the passed few days with the situation.  Damn it I so missed him. Talking to him every minute of the day got me crazy with the sudden no comm situation.  Had a bunch of work at the office. Anniversary lunch. With lechooon!! 

Friday. A holiday. No work. Woke up late.. Heavy heart still. I feel like the worse day ever. Not knowing when will I be able to talk to Julz. Not knowing what's his status. I really don't care what's the situation with his other half. All I am wanting to know is his status. If he's just ok. Friends chatting and planing of having a coffee session at home. I need to do some groceries to buy stuffs for tomorrow's trip to Sabang. 2PM raining hard when we picked up Karen at her house. Went home. Waited for others to arrived. Lotsa chikkas with the girls.. 6PM when the boys arrived. Brought some beers and food for pulutan. Had some great laughs and lots of stories to tell. Reminiscing the past.. Had some quite good day, despite the feeling of sadness missing my man..

Thursday. Feel so heavy heart-ed. I missed him so bad. But I just can't do anything. I am just the "other woman". Breaks my heart each time I get to be reminded of that. I don't know when will I be hearing from him again. No guarantees whatsoever. Just made myself busy with work and everything. Tried reading to review. But I am planning to sleep early.. So sad.

Wednesday. Not a good day. Julz have to go home to cater to his wife's needs. The wife just got positive resulf from covid swabbing.  I just can't think properly now. Now knowing what to write.  Julz told me not to worry about it. But how can I not?  He'll be out of reach for i dont know how long. Cried.  Fears sulking in. I just hope this will not terminate our relationship.  Might be seeing him mid August or might not anymore..  Sad life!  Decided to have a long drive with Tatay after office.. 

Tuesday. It's our 4th month together. Seems like just a regular day. But I love the idea of Julz being so serious about our relationship.  Still cant stop the thoughts about ex and the wife probability of a scandal. But Julz kept me calm.